Want to resolve more conflicts Start using this rule

Want to resolve mora conflicts Start using this ruleWant to resolve more conflicts Start using this ruleIts always easy to blame otzu sichs. You can spend your entire life blaming the world, but your success and failures are entirely your own responsibility. - Paulo CoelhoMost of us want to be right - thats why we fail to solve conflicts at work or personally.Blaming is an easy way out - we make someone else responsible rather than owning our part. Thats why simple issues escalate into bigger problems. We want to win the argument at any cost.Playing the blame game fuels more tensions. Being right becomes more important than solving the issue at hand.The best way to solve conflict is to own your part. Thats the principle behind the 5050 rule - blame yourself, leidlage just others.You are also accountableWhen you blame others, you give up your power to change. - Robert AnthonyCouples with poor conflict resolution skills typically engage in Fight, Flight, or Freeze behaviors. Those whove learned to overcome tensions, last the longest. Thats why I stick to the 50%-50% rule - when something goes wrong, Im equally responsible.I came up with this rule many years ago. I started putting it in practice with my wife - it has helped to stick together for over 20 years.I usually share the 5050 rule when coaching teams - its a simple and effective way to address conflict in the workplace. However, it takes time and practice. Most people resist it initially - no one wants to blame themselves.This approach suggests that you blame yourself for 50% of a specific issue regardless of what happened or not. It feels counterintuitive, right? The point is not to make you more or less guilty - the goal is for you to approach conflict as equal. When no one is either fully right or wrong, its easier to focus on the solution.Creating an even field moves us from blame to introspection - you focus on finding a solution, not on handglied-pointing. The power of the 5050 rule is tha t it makes both parties equally accountable. Each side shares equal responsibility forHaving caused the problemFinding the best way to solve itBenefitting from the solutionThe 5050 rule not only removes the blame, but it also shifts our mindset.1. From being right to integrating perspectivesMost people approach conflict as a battle - being right equals to winning. The problem is no one wants to be proven wrong. Shift the conversation from right-or-wrong to integrating opposite perspectives.2. From taking sides to being fairWhen you must choose between two choices, you usually end solving the wrong problem. Unask the question instead. Taking sides will only make one person extremely happy and the other one very upset - it will fuel more tensions. The 5050 rule brings fairness by eliminating the sides.3. From being defensive to empathizingTensions turn people against each other - they see the other part as the enemy. Removing emotions is critical to driving resolution. When theres no right or wrong, people put their energy on understanding each others needs and perspectives.4. From blaming others to collaboratingBlaming is an easy way out. Its easier to point fingers than to realize that we all can improve our behavior. Acknowledging that everyone is equally accountable shifts the focus from blaming to collaborating.5. From winning to solving the problemThe end result of collaboration is to approach conflict with a problem-solving mentality. Winning is not about defeating the other side but finding a solution that will benefit everyone.How to make the 5050 rule work for youGreat leaders dont rush to blame. They instinctively look for solutions. - Nina EastonTaking ownership of our actions, rather than blaming others, dramatically improves our performance. Thats the key benefit of the 5050 rule.Researchers at Stanford and the University of Michigan found that companies that attributed their problems to their actions instead to external factors perform much be tter.Here are some tips to get you started.1. Own your partNext time you have a conflict, rather than blame the other part, reflect on what you can improve. Ask yourself What can I do better? How are my behavior or attitudes - intentionally or not - adding fuel to the fire? What can I change on my end?2. Remind others of the 5050 ruleThe upside of owning your part is that people must be accountable for theirs too - the 5050 rule is a two-way street. For things to work, both sides must be aware and play under the same principle.3. Look whats right on each sideBuilding on whats already working gets quicker results than focusing on whats wrong. By removing the blame, you can focus on what each side is right about. Build on both by applying a Yes, and approach.4. Promote dialogueArguments take us nowhere - we try to defeat others, rather than understand whats going on. Ask questions, invite people to reflect and have a productive conversation. Understanding requires time and effort, but its more effective than quick fixes.5. Encourage empathyFocus on understanding the other person, instead of trying to assume that you know her/ him. Most tensions are not about an issue intrinsically but emotional entanglement. People get upset because they dont feel understood - effective conflict resolution requires walking in the other persons shoes. Be patient and listen.6. Step asideIf you are the decision-maker (a manager, parent, etc.), dont try to be the hero. Its tempting to be the smartest guy in the room who comes up with a wise solution. Let those affected find the solutions - it drives more buy-in. Unless its a life-threatening situation, dont feel forced to decide on behalf of others.7. Suggest a time-outSilence is the think-tank of the soul, as I explained here. Sometimes, taking distance from our problems allows the solution to show up uninvited. When conflict gets too personal, its almost impossible to see things through with clarity. Let things simmer down.- - - The 5050 rule shift the focus from being right to solving the problem. Blaming yourself partially removes the need of pointing finger at others. By owning your part, you become accountable for solving the conflict.Give it a try. Let me know how it works for you.This post was originally published in Psychology Today.This article was originally published inPsychology Today.